What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? Robert H. Schuller
No matter which road you take, you'll always sigh, and wish you'd taken another. Robert Frost

The ambivalent mind can never be happy. Thoughts and feelings collide, bringing up uncertainty about the tiniest decisions. To not consider negative outcomes is denying reality: mistakes can be brutal, true. But it becomes a stopping thing when hesitation brings us to the point of paralysis. Commitment is always up for me. Which topic do I write about? When can I take a vacation? Chicken or egg salad? It’s easy to dither, which unfortunately quashes creative, playful impulse. It’s taken a slow boil of confusion to render a deep truth: when I say YES it eliminates all the other choices. It’s not the YES I dread, it’s all those NOs.

Lines from Robert Frost’s famously misunderstood poem, "The Road Not Taken," kept intruding while writing this. It was dashed off as an ironic paean to another poet, one with an indecisive nature who overly considered each fork of the trail. As an eager hiker myself, I honor Frost's frustration leading only to a mocking poem and not screaming epithets. It has been mistaken for a lesson in making good decisions, finding the courage to explore the "road not taken." But really, it was an elegant "Pick one and be that!" (See link at the end for the poem and the backstory).

When life forces us to choose, it reveals how much we trust ourselves. Who in childhood taught us to be afraid to make a mistake? Literally everyone. In addition, under each choice lies a moral imperative to first ask, “Will it hurt me, another, or Mother Earth?” And so we engage in a mental circus with lots of monkeys. What expert can I turn this over to (and blame later if it doesn't work out)? We Google and bore our friends to the point of screaming the Nike slogan. Of course it makes a difference which road you take. It's simply not possible to "Travel both/And be one traveler." If only we were issued a clapperboard, and when we guessed wrong could say "Take 2!" How frantically foolhardy would we be if there were neverending do-overs, with no permanent consequences? A more meaningful mental exercise is Schuller’s question, “What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” Take a couple of minutes and consider your answers. Make a list. What is holding you back?

We've all been told "To not decide is a decision." I'm not a fan, much too passive and I’m way too into control. Any chance worth pondering requires an eventual leap of faith, which should be based on a combination of research, experience, art form and the lucky guess. Then we can finally go for it and fully embrace the results, and gain the wisdom that only springs from learning to survive regret and disappointment. Like real adults. What must be dealt with is the hard core combination of fear of failure, and fear of missing out, cutely anagrammed FOF & FOMO. I read a suggestion that we can replace it with JOMO, the JOY of missing out: saying “I do,” walking off a horrible job without another in place, chocolate or vanilla (when you can’t afford two scoops.) We can’t wait for "I am abso-fucking-lutely certain," but must settle for "I will appreciate and make the best of the lessons that follow." This makes way for the next batch of this or thats. And life can go on.

My beloved mentor, Peter Leech, told me he views commitments as sacred. "But, if it becomes so painful it feels like you're hugging a cactus, it's okay to let go." I see now that he was talking about a level of maturity that I hadn't yet reached, and self-awareness that needed sobriety and patience. He was sharing the insight that we can make some big choices without burning bridges. Not all. What Mr. Frost was addressing is that self-trust and confidence do not come before a decision. It shows up afterward, when we navigate the outcome with good humor, grace, and the willingness to admit we were wrong and try, try again.

“The Road Not Taken,” by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost discussion of the meaning and backstory.

For extra credit, take some of the quizzes on my website that may help to uncover your reasons for “decision” resistance.

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What-Iffing