My dream is to live long enough to become truly eccentric, to escape the orbit of propriety I was born, abused, and prodded into accepting as my destiny. From this new place, this new set of mind, will arise the dreams and plans to carry me through the final chapter of my fun, fun, functional life.

I imagined the hardest part would be dashing the expectations of others. Turns out eccentricity demands shitcanning the sticky rewards that come from a lifetime of high stress, conforming, always aimed at high achievement. I am also surprised at how much rearview-mirroring distracts me from new choices: pondering lives not lived, potential not met. So many rabbit holes. So little time. It’s tempting to live in a regret warren of “too late,” afraid of the weather and predators. But life is not best lived underground. Not even for bunnies, and certainly not for someone living with cancer. We all have dwindling sand in our hourglasses. Where do I long to direct my focus and activity? This is the primetime question.

This piece was inspired by a research frenzy during my April Covid-lockdown. I absorbed several articles decrying how we allowed ourselves to be overtly tricked into following the lead of The Internet (TI). Mea culpa articles from inventors of TI and artificial intelligence state a little late that they are so very sorry. In one letter signed by 40 scientists they state being horrified by how much their inventions have distracted half the world from engaging in original thought. I observed how difficult it had become for me to resist click-bait. And as I confronted my own sense of “oh well,” I admitted the hypocrisy of advising but not acting. I began this essay as an exploration of their findings, but this more personal and honest exploration, erupted.

Annie Dillard, in The Writing Life, nailed the bottom line of this issue: “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.” I’ve allowed so many precious hours to be stolen right from under my nose, oh so fucking literally! And I hope you can acknowledge if this feels true for you as well. Because I love you, and I think you are talented and not yet done being a creative and powerful force for Goodness. It’s never too late to aspire to a more fabulous, freer, ideal lifestyle. It can begin with simply rediscovering how talking with a friend is more valuable to both your well-beings than playing Candy Crush. We must explode the delusion that our money, focus, and relationships are not as important as wherever TI has in mind to lead us. Hear me, I am yelling it now:

THERE IS NO FREE WILL IF WE CAN’T SAY NO.

Stephen Colbert asked, “Why can’t I just say ‘YES to All Cookies’ once and be done with it?” I laughed. Then I realized every time I accept a cookie, I’m inviting a GPS tracker on my mind. It’s too late to undo whatever I’ve already agreed to. They know where I live, my shoe size, and the names of my cats. It’s in my court to resist the next ad or reel reflecting a comment I made while my phone was within reach, even if not speaking or typing directly into it. Which is too much of the time.

Hesitating before acting on impulse is what it takes to be free. My subconscious sees “This top looks good on older women,” and suddenly I am downloading an app for cheaply made, irredeemably environmentally toxic clothes I don’t need. Recognizing the difference between being lured and thinking for myself is my job, and the doing-evil businesses are making it harder all the time. We now live in a world of Supreme Court-approved domination by these corporations, who guiltlessly manipulate our easily trained brains to “seek pleasure, avoid pain.” This is how we have become toast without marmalade.

I was an instant gratification junkie for much of my life, possessed by a hunger for anything to make me feel okay, be accepted. In childhood: sugar, novels, and perfectionism all helped hold back the frequent floods of shame and unworthiness. Later, I grabbed every opportunity to try on behaviors the law didn’t allow. Each brought short-term relief and belonging, soon followed by long term self-loathing and loneliness. As I released each addiction to a harmful substance, person, habit, job, a space was made for something else vital and life-affirming. I discovered that the enthusiasm arising from new challenges, spiritual risks, and happy surprises was my best remedy. Blaise Pascal (1623-1662) called this longing “a God Shaped Vacuum”. The Internet cannot fill it.

We are choosing to settle for zippy, shallow rewards even when we know it is destroying us. It takes at least forty-five minutes of focus to drop into the joyous solitude of creativity. To experience awe requires a hike up hills, a jump in the river, looking deeply into a rose, or at least to stop the car and watch a fab sunset. Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi gave us positive psychology, studied artists who go deep into the flow state. His work was a radical challenge to the belief people are irrevocably programmed to perform for others. “We have within us a force that allows us to concentrate for long stretches and enjoy it, and it makes us happier and healthier.” His antidote to restricting our grand and glorious selves is reveling in warm connection, laugh-out-loud play, and timeless creativity, more often than not. It’s time to stop settling for a handful of chips and pretend it’s a feast.

I now deem our single most important task is to risk disapproving glances, to experiment with fresh ideas in order to reclaim our birthright of free will. We can start with turning off “Hey, Siri.” Next goes the ringer and vibration most of the time. Let’s turn the tide against constant availability to others as well as The Internet being the norm. Then choose something fun or beautifying to do. Too much to ask? Really?

Of most importance? To deliberately spend as many of our precious and fleeting hours in flow and awe as is possible. Go find your eccentric, Divine Self. You have an obligation to be wild and free and unique. If hurt people hurt people, then happy, free people make others happier and show them how to be free as well.

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Free-Willing