I really really don’t want my final word to be OOPSIE!

And so I ask more often, “What do I want? What will it take to get it? Am I willing to pay the price?”

I like to think that I play a great “long game,” exploring ways to realize dreams, being patient with circumstances. But sometimes a hurricane will hit. Literally. The test becomes less about how to forge ahead and more of learning to “just allow” and stop arguing with the Gods and Goddesses. As a pertinent example, I started this essay in July, playing against the backdrop of uncertainty of medical issues (mine and others’) and re-examining intentions. Then along comes Ian. It makes the sentiment that I was working toward, of making sure that life has deeper meaning, even more essential. Being forced to release any illusion of control helped produce a clarity that is nigh on impossible otherwise. And so I begin again….

“What would you do if you knew how long you had to live?” I’ve been asking myself some version of this question for decades, mostly as a means to prioritize and plan. In my thirties I discovered Alan Lakein’s marvelous How to get Control of your Time and your Life. His pivotal exercise is to imagine that you have been given the gift of knowing when you will die, suddenly, all preparations dealt with, no extra suffering. Then ask: “What would I do in that timeframe?” The filter titrates from having 20 years, to 10, to 5, to 1, then 6 months. The purpose is to see what stays on each list, what gets top priority, and what fades away. The goal is to narrow your myriad wants into a list you can actually achieve.

Imagining myself at an “old” 55, with all my ducks in a row was fun, and the list of everything I wanted to create, taste, learn, explore called forth hidden desires. As the imaginary timeline diminishes, it becomes more difficult to decide what to toss off the sinking ship. I didn’t save those lists, be mildly amusing to review them. I’m sure it was to write a book, travel widely, speak multiple languages, and being thinner. Now that I have blown past that date by nearly two decades, this filtering seeps closer to the bone.

Robert Schiller’s famous question, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” is mostly for younger folks, unless applied to heart/mind/Spirit, rather than tangibles. I’m not working toward “future royalties,” nor to build a mini version of a magnificent legacy. (I long ago accepted that I will never be “Oprahed”.) Once the delusion of immortality is dropped, it’s easier to focus less on WHAT I want to do, and dive into the WHY of my existence. This brings me to an incontrovertible onclusion: purpose and time and passion and possibility must fit together like the edge pieces of my jigsaw puzzle, be it 100 or 3000 pieces. Otherwise, I find myself floundering in a sea of vague dissatisfaction with too many choices.

I guess I am officially acknowledging, at 74, that I am at the stage where I need to thoughtfully recreate new lists from “if I had just a couple,” then apply it to quotidian decisions, about everything. I see that most regrets point to hesitation, waiting for certainty or permission before proceeding. I’ve been toying with the idea of shit-canning most of the limits that were handed down to me. No one cares what we do, really, and so we can become wild and effing crazy beings who don’t live in a box to think outside of.

The parallel question for us all, regardless of age or circumstances, is some version of “Who am if I don’t have a long list of goals and dreams?” I’m guessing it will default to simply be the person I actually am in my own crepe-y skin and graying hair. No podcast, nor name recognition outside of the tiny pond of my home town. Just who I think I was born to be: little Cynthia who wants to help people. This has become the center of my bullseye, and the rings expand out to less direct and personal ways of spending time, but still within the scope of being loving and kind and useful. I know, I should add “To myself as well as others,” but that might be my deathbed AHA!

What I currently embrace is not so much WHAT I am doing, but the states of mind I enjoy the most. And they are…?

Co-Creativity,
Hanging out with people who are honest and generous, fun and playful.
Especially longed for? The solitudinal state of FLOW: lost in the moment, alone, undistracted, immersed in beauty and awe, creativity at its core, so that time becomes meaningless. I get there by being off line, with a pen or paintbrush, or looking at the light in the tops of the redwoods at sunset. Or sometimes clearing out a junk drawer.

It’s your turn.

Mr. Lakein’s exercise is for the very young to the very old. It shakes the peaches out of the tree of denial that thinks we have forever. It’s time to ditch the limiting rules of ancestors and scaredy-cats, and whip up your imagination and inspiration for a desired life. Ultra-personal, this process. Astoundingly unique.

Sit quietly, with favorite pen in hand, and imagine all you want to do up to, say, 85 years. Let it flow. Ask, “What do I want to learn, taste, see, start or stop?”
Start with that bundle of years, then cut it in half, and then half again. It starts to get very real when you are down to one or two years.
Please don’t burden your answers with justifications, or Goddess-forbid, having to be affordable and rational. Growing peonies or visiting Morocco can’t make the world better (we’re all in a hand-basket heading south). But each idea is just a thread to pull that can unravel the hand-me-down sweater you are wearing, the one that came with goofy limits of can’ts and have to’s and never really fit you. And it stinks.
Then pick a couple to explore more deeply. Please don’t say “quit smoking” or “lose weight!” It must have pizzazz to create a little burble in your belly.
Immediately ask for guidance and inspiration from your secret sources. I often write questions to the Gods and sometimes they answer without sarcasm. I then make phone calls to people who have done what I long to. Money and advice and courage can be yours for the asking.
Then let someone you trust know what you are daring to dream. By letting your light shine, you ignite the candle of “Why the hell not?” in others. Doesn’t seem quite so selfish now, does it?

When I say I’ve believed in and taught this process for forty years, I’m not messing around. “Nothing changes if nothing changes,” but with a little inking, you can order up a desired change rather than letting it be dropped from the catalog of unwanted experiences. My life is more powerful and interesting as a result. I’m also proud of how well I have coped with unwelcomed opportunities for growth. Let me know, really, what you come up with. I’d be delighted to be one of those you call.

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Dilly-Dallying