Can't-Complaining
SEASHELLS by Bill Martin, © Shelley Martin www.billmartingallery.com
“There is clarity (and joy) in seeing what others can’t see, in finding grace and harmony in places others overlook. Isn’t that far better than seeing the world as some dark place?” Ryan Holiday. The Daily Stoic
This quote reminded me of Seashells by Bill Martin, fabulous person, artist, and teacher of art, and a master of perspective. He was inspired to be an artist when he learned to portray great distances on a piece of paper just 1/16” thick. He could change his point of view with a pencil stroke.
I’m using gratitude to change mine.
A peculiar trend began in early March. A horrifying event across the world took away all the fun out of complaining. All my beloveds began conversations, sessions, emails with “I have nothing to complain about. Rising prices? I have food. Too cold, too hot? I have heat and shade. I’m feeling financially stressed, but I donated $25 to the International Red Cross.” And we really can’t go there about our weight, lack of discipline, or politics (well, maybe those that relate to the event).
“To complain” derives from the image of beating one’s breast in protest for whatever is happening. Dramatic, but not productive. We’ve certainly let others know how we feel, but it doesn’t change a thing and rather puts a pall over the rest of what is working in our lives. “I shouldn’t complain, but...” begins so many discourses on daily dissatisfaction. It ties in with the bummerjournal and gives us a resting bitch face if we experience minor dissatisfaction. One little go-wrong can throw us off a gratitude practice for days, unless committed.
“Don’t be heard complaining, not even to yourself,” was a key instruction from the emperor Marcus Aurelius, whose life was defined by betrayal, tragedy, loss, illness, and death at 59, neither particularly loved nor appreciated by the people he led. Before we get too involved in what this would even be like, I want to put a fine point on the underlying issue: the importance in acknowledging genuine pain, disappointment, and certainly, grief. To be vulnerable, to embrace compassion and share support is the essence of being human. It’s when we stop there, swimming in the effects and forget to look for cause (and hence solutions), we’re just engaged in helplessness and whining. The Stoics were stressing the importance of “loving what is, accepting fate,” concepts also rife in Buddhist and Christian and Muslim teachings. Rather than treating set-backs and worse as hopeless tragedy, they saw how struggles--when fully engaged--harden and strengthen, ultimately allowing the ability to seize what little control we do have. It’s the only way to build the skills and strengths needed for the inevitable series of problems and hurts in everyone’s queue. Anything else is a waste of precious time and energy, and we lose control of our time, focus, and how to actually move beyond. Because… the working brain is designed to fix problems. Period. Complaining gets in the way.
When any upset (actual or anticipated) appears, it is rated on an “uh oh” scale of uncomfortable to intolerable, our focus zeroes in and then looks for a quick escape or hopefully, a permanent solution. If we feel an ouch about a sitch, our old friend dopamine floods in and motivates us to act. The danger comes when we don’t deliberately forge a plan, losing perspective about how bad it actually isn’t, now anticipating the worst. To use a neuroscience term that is cute as heck, we awfulize, a form of magical belief based on the myth that we are not supposed to encounter obstacles and disappointments. Folks, they are necessary sides of fries that come with simply being alive.
Complaining is a fruitless wish that “it were not thus,” instead of the deliberate contemplation of how to endure, change, or rise above a current ill. If we avoid seeking meaningful resolution, we are limited to wishing and hoping things will morph from unpleasant to perfect all on their own (small odds). You can see where this is going. Maybe it’s in your rear-view mirror already?
Focusing on negative, petty BS is becoming more difficult as I age. I simply don’t have the bandwidth. But the big stuff—life, death, purpose, love, and how to manage money wisely— sharpens perspective on how best to enjoy who and what is actually pretty great, in whatever time or package I have left. The emperor again, with the most elegant of instruction: “When you arise in the morning recall what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.”
Three months into atrocities and destruction, the event across the world continues to show us how we have had royalty-level expectations that nothing bad should ever happen. I am considering this a major dope slap, the “Thanks, I needed that” kind of wake-up call to see how good my life really is. No. Matter. What.
I can’t complain, I’m not in Ukraine.
Thank you, Shelley for allowing me to use this wonderful image from Bill’s gallery.
Quotes that almost made it…
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” George Carlin
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Helen Keller
And a shout-out to www.etymology.com for helping me find the deep meanings of words.
Click here to purchase my NEW guided visualization, Finding Your Perfect Summer Cabin.
Click here to purchase my book, The Courage to Trust.
Click here to purchase the audiobook of The Courage to Trust.
Click here to purchase my 90-minute guided visualization, Embracing True Prosperity.